the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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