Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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