That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
