My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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