i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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