so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
