the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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