Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
