That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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