im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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