I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
