well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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