a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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