I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
