There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
sarcasm needs its own font
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
