I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
