so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
