you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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