I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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