You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
