Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
