I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
