ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
