ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
