hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
the liver wants what the liver wants
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
