Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I love you.
Bad choice
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
