just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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