wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize