U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just puked most of my soul out..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
