I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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