we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize