I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just pynch a tree in the face
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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