I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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