And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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