Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
