god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
