My underwear smells like fireworks.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
