Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
