final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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