It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
