Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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