I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
