I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
