i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
