I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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