i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
