Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
