then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
