Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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