moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
