she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you made out with another girl for some wings
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
