Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
