FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
