I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
