The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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