WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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