Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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