Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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