I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My balls are so social today.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize