i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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