my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
