I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
